heal: verb
1) make sound or whole
2) to patch up (a breach or division)
3) to restore to original purity or integrity

#2. ill be happy with that.
id like to think that theres some sort of healing going on. maybe. maybe not.
not so much worried anymore about how soon itll be done, cause i know it will, eventually.
slightly deformed maybe, but like ive been reminding myself, "time will heal."
and yes, im aware that time can also only heal so much, but..one step at a time.

they say life is about being thrown all kinds of crap and seeing that youre more capable than you thought.
those sudden moments of verbal/emotional throw up? im getting better at dealing and theyre happening less and less frequently. its hard to pinpoint which one started the other, but somehow it did and im just grateful for it. i have resolve. closure. my days are clearer. not so much a big blur. ha.

as much as theres still a part of me that wants so much to stay in hiding, wading in self-pity,
im coming up with fewer and fewer reasons that allow me to feel like i have the right to stay stagnant.
i know that the people in my life that love me, support me, pray for me, are endlessly patient with me-
who seem to know when to barge in, when to knock, and when to just wait outside- do these things because they genuinely believe im valuable. what kills me is that i know their unrelenting desire to show me that i am comes from a much deeper and greater love than theirs. i cant keep telling myself im alone when i know im not.


so.. thats it.
im still not sure where i stand on being hopeful. hope.
still seems like something that just sets you up for inevitable disappointment.
but im at a better place than i was before...and no more complaining.
the time for that was there, and i feel like its over now.
my instincts are telling me to move on and leave it.
so im leaving it.
see ya.

when it comes to matters of the heart, most people are very private.
my sister, my mom, jane, hannah..
theyre so good at protecting themselves - keeping things well-hidden and only showing what goes on inside to those select few.
for some reason, im not one of those people.
ive always worn my heart on my sleeve. i dont know why im like this, but this is me. unfortunately.
and when im hurt, what i need to know is that im understood.
not sympathized for, but that someone, on some level, knows what im going through and relates, even if its not confirmed back to me.
its ok if you dont agree with me, you dont like me, or you dont even know me. just understand.
and so i somehow find myself always coming back to this place that provides me with the comforting illusion of privacy while i analyze, vent, organize...get out as much as i can, and then just...leave it here.

so here i am.
ive been sitting here for almost an hour, trying to untangle this huge clump of emotions.
trying to identify, categorize, file, and then put away...
but most of what i feel are things that are fused together - emotional oxymorons, refusing to separate,
and others are still completely unidentifiable. i dont have categories that exist yet for some of these things.
im frustrated. angry.

hurt.
humiliated.
confused.
guilty.
betrayed.
tired.
regretful.

those are the easy ones.

i keep telling myself to hurry it up. life doesnt wait for anyone.
the other part of me says it can only happen gradually. little by little. time heals all.
but i cant afford to let these things spew out randomly, at the most inconvenient times-
on the street, in the middle of the day, at 4 in the morning, in my dreams, at work....
please. just. GO. AWAY.
ive tried the airtightboxingitandstashingitdeepdeepinsidethecloset thing before.
but if theres one thing ive learned from past experiences,
its that when you open the door later on, you find that the freakin box has made its way to the front,
and the contents have somehow tripled and are now overflowing all over the place.
so as tempted as i am, i know better than to let instinct take over and resort to doing anything and everything to not deal.
..though it is. tempting.

as much and as often as you (and others) repeat:
"you did nothing wrong"
"it just wasnt meant to happen"
"its better it ended now than later"
etc etc etc etc etc etc etc..
at the end of the day you try so hard not to, but you do.
you look at yourself. you stare. scrutinize. blame.
its one thing when you know, despite the emotional attachment, that all that could have been done was done.
you say "good try, it was a good run," shake hands, and both people can move on with their lives.
even if it ends on bad terms, youve gone through enough to help you accept that it reached its endpoint.
but where do you get the closure when you feel like you were cheated out of the chance to see for yourself? when you still feel like it could have been something great?

when you feel like maybe you got what you deserved.
you promise yourself you wont settle, so you dont, and the results are still the same.
its like being interrupted mid-sentence.
yeah, i know...better it ended now than later. it just wasnt meant to happen.
..you did nothing wrong. 

...?

but youll be ok.
you remind yourself that this is nothing. there are things far worse that have happened, to you and to others.
so stop complaining.
youve adapted, changed, moved on before and youll do it again...this is what makes us humans. our ability to survive and move forward in all aspects.
but forgetting is also part of being human, and eventually ill forget how much it hurts to dive heart-first into a pool thats only 2 feet deep.

in·dulge: verb

1 a: to give free rein to b: to take unrestrained pleasure in